self-fulfilling prophecy

i need to befall a great tragedy. i have never experienced complete devastation. i don't even know if it's within my capacity to be devastated, so it's completely normal that i fantasize about it. for me time stops then. everything in my vision gets washed out into monochromatic tones, solarized silhouettes and shadows moving all around me. i feel a halo of fire. my heart stops and my blood and veins become canals of molten steel. my fists are heavy and aching. in that moment my eyes tense, the same feeling as it is to cry, only all my tears have run dry. no more tiny peace offerings. it's then that i feel completely fragile. only then, when it's dire that i fashion a black hole of the sun, having dug everyones grave, do i feel anything at all. losing all hope is freedom, is it? then i need to break and be broken. i fantasize about that lapse of time for me, when the grey clouds seal off the sky, hiding what i'm about to do from heaven. that will be my end. tragedy will give me that one reason to keep from breathing any further. Comment Read